MY weekend

Thom kicked me out this weekend... he is coming back for me he just gave me an alone"ish" weekend.
This was something we had discussed. It was really hard for me to go. I hesitate to share this experience because it shows my weaknesses. I don't like doing that. When we pulled up to the Hotel on Friday night I told Thom I felt like he was dropping me off at rehab. We had went on a date, ate food that looked really good although due to my snotty nose I couldn't taste any of it. Some last meal. Thom has a friend in the Hotel biz that hooked me up with a room. He upgraded me to the Suite. As I was going on and on about how sad it would be to have a great room with lots of space and not have my family with me. My mind started to shift. I saw the comfy king size bed all to myself. Remember I sleep in a day bed in Severins room, with Severin in my arms for most of the night and more then not Neleh or Johnathen is in there too. Then I saw the huge jetted tub. For anyone who knows me, knows the tub is my cave. This is something I gave up. Because I usually have Severin in the tub with me and Neleh is quick to follow. Thom was way jealous. I did see everyone on Saturday. Morgan was going to Sweethearts. I did her hair, and helped her get ready in her big poofy dress. She looked stunning, and grown up, it sucked.
Along with sleeping through the night, I have taken this time to "think" about life. Looking back I started to realize I was loosing myself. In December I was getting my hair done. When Buffie would ask me how I "usually" did it, or if I noticed the color, if I liked it. It dawned on me I haven't really LOOKED at myself in a mirror for a very long time. But I plugged on. Another month passed. I was a recluse -Severin needs that. But then I was giving of myself until I had nothing left. More then one person has commented on how "tired" I look. I thought of course I am who isn't when they have a baby. Heart Baby or not being a Mom is a tiring job. I have been surviving for the past seven months. With slight glimpses of normal. I talked to a fellow Heart Mom wondering if I was crazy. Knowing I am heading down the crazy path, if I can not find balance in my life. She gave fab, & loving advice. I never would have met her, if not for our heart connection, but she has been an inspiration to me.
I have found I have very deep fears that stop me from progressing. I have trust issues in letting things just happen. I keep getting that I need to give this one to the Lord. I have learned more about the Infinite part of the Attonement. The Attonement is not just for the sinner. It is for me. It is for MY worry, MY heavy heart. It is for Severins trials. The Savior took these on because He knew we could not do it alone. It is not a matter of my willingness, it is a matter of my ability. I am not yet prefected, as He is. Knowing our spirit can conqure this mortal man body others see. I want to LIVE again. Fearless, without regret. Be me, a Divine Daughter. Loving and joyful. My mind is flooded with various quotes, positive affirmations, and gratitude. Even through the sluge of snot the plagues my head. I am thankful for my Sis-in -law Beth, for reminding me what we are all here for. I am not yet the polished stone ready to return to the Father to do more of His work. I am still bumbling along. For this I am thankful to have more time to do just that, bumble and be polished.